


So this, dear God, is what I am.

by onlycrooks



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s03e15 Hookman, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-16
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-29 12:59:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/687233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlycrooks/pseuds/onlycrooks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hookman Coda (spoilers, sort of):</p><p>Jack has something important to tell his son.<br/>Steve has an important realization to have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So this, dear God, is what I am.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Andrew Hudgins' poem "Begotten" and should have "this" in italics

Standing in the street, the sniper identified and no longer a threat, Steve can't shake the customary feeling of being lost. As he looks around, he can tell he isn't the only feeling this way. He'd seen it in the Navy, and he sees it now. It doesn't matter whether the people are military or civilian police, they feel it as much as the other, the signs plain in their faces and bodies: the unfocused set of their eyes; odd speech; reluctance to move, to risk finding out this isn't real. The threat is gone, but processing that, moving past catch-or-die to all-is-well takes time. Eventually, though, something will catch their attention. If they're lucky, it'll be something like a flower or someone's voice. If they're not, they'll walk around, numb, until the next threat.

As he looks around, engraved bullet in hand, he finds his own attention caught by the three men who've come to stand before him with soft, proud smiles. He knows them all, in one way or another, but it's the third, the smallest and closest, who takes priority, his hand extended not even a foot away.

The arm keeping it up is paler than Steve remembers, the man attached to it smaller, rounder. His eyes are just as sharp, however. They remind him of his childhood and everything since, of every time he'd sought this man's attention and every mistake he'd tried to hide. He knows those eyes as ones that have always- _always_ \- seen through him, so he isn't expecting the small smile on his father's face or the catch in his voice. But then, Steve isn't expecting to hear what he does, either.

"You're all I could have hoped for in a son, Steve," Jack intones, his grip tight and his eyes sharp as he takes his son's hand. "I'm proud of you."

Steve has wanted to hear that his entire life. His father had told him hundreds times while he'd lived, and each time they'd meant more to him. _"I'm proud of you,"_ meant any previous failures were forgotten. Once shipped to the mainland, Steve hadn't been able to hear them, and he'd begun to doubt himself, so he'd pushed aside his doubts, a dream or two of science degrees and engineering, and joined the Navy. He'd kept his father's praise in his head the entire time. _"You're all I could have hoped for,"_ had kept him going through Hell Week and pushed him through each level of Five-0's own hell.

As he stands in the middle of the road, though, HPD milling around, Steve finds he doesn't know what to do with them this time.

He's still struggling with the words and what to say in return when he notices his father's gaze drift behind him.

"Steve! You comin', babe?"

At Danny's words, Steve turns to tell him he'll be right there, knowing Danny will wait for him.

When he looks back, he finds two of the men gone and his father studying him. He looks like a man who's figured something out and looks... disappointed, but he recovers quickly and sounds pleased when he speaks.

"I can hardly believe our little Stevie is a SEAL. It feels like yesterday, you were playing with G.I. Joes and covering Mary's face with that camouflage paint your mother got you." He sighs, and Steve would swear his father's eyes have misted over. "Somehow you grew into a man when I wasn't looking, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to see it. But I'm glad you're home, son. Hawai'i suits you."

Jack's gaze flicks behind Steve once more, and his brow furrows unhappily.

Steve knows what it means and that he's watching Danny without hearing a word.

"Dad, please," he whispers, desperate not to lose what he's just gotten. "I'm not- Danny isn't-"

"Calm down. You're getting ahead of yourself." His face hasn't stopped looking pinched, but Jack doesn't seem angry. He looks... regretful. "I meant what I said and still do, but I don't think it's me you need to hear it from."

When all Steve does is gape, his father sighs heavily. "I know you, Steve. You're in love, and not with that Lieutenant- who you're only holding back by keeping here with promises you know you can't keep- and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be happy." Jack's eyes soften, even as he shakes his head. "Don't let my sins, my mistakes, become yours. You have a family in that man; don't underestimate the power in that. Combat isn't the only way to lose someone, and he knows that. Make sure you do, too."

Making a shooing motion, he ushers Steve toward the Camaro.

Danny's already inside, his smaller body curling up easily in the cramped space, and Steve has to smile at the sight of him: fast asleep, head lolling, hair mussed and tucked into the passenger seat, already buckled. He's even got the keys in the ignition.

That's when the realization hits. Giving up the opportunity to drive,  _falling asleep_ , even bothering to wait in the first place... Danny isn't just being a friend. Without even opening his mouth, he's been telling Steve important things.

_I trust you. Nothing can hurt me._

Startled, Steve turns, in search of his father, but besides the scattering of officers making their final notes and a few civilians, the street is empty. Jack McGarrett is nowhere to be found, and even though he isn't surprised, he's still disappointed. There are so many things he wants to know...

His wishes aside, the Camaro is empty but for the two of them, and it's unnerving, being alone with Danny as he shifts and mumbles, but as he slides in and turns the engine on, he catches his partner blinking up at him.

"...Steve?"

"Go back to sleep, Danno," Steve murmurs, because this, Danny waking up after a post-case crash, is comforting, familiar. So what if he's saying something more?  _I'm safe with you._  It's true, and Danny's still Danny, crotchety when he's awake and agreeable when he's sleepy. "It's going to be a while before we get home."

As the Camaro eases forward, Danny hums softly and is soon asleep once more.

Steve isn't sure how or what he's going to tell him, but as he pulls into the driveway and helps a yawning Danny up the stairs, into bed and out of his shoes, he considers Danny's acceptance of Steve's house as "home" and the press of his shoulder against Steve's, aggreeing.  _Our home._

Changing into trunks, he wonders if he has to say anything at all, if Danny won't understand- and accept, at least for a moment- what Steve means by a hand on his neck and a kiss on his lips.


End file.
